psy fine!

hmm...

i'mnotsurewhati'mlookingatbutwhatiseeiknowanditbecomesdifficulttohavetoexplain,ifonlyyoucouldstophearingandstarttolistenthenyouwouldstoplookingandstartseeing

wandering star...

Me?
I cry I shout I yell silent screams
I hate I despise I reject I deny
I fall I die I pretend
I see I hear I choose I rise
I live I detest I fear I kill
I bend I break I move I ache
I sing I play I grow I crave
I feel I dance I fool I can’t
I laugh I choke I eat I dope
I want I need I hope I plead
I beg I steal I borrow I heal
I bleed I scar I cut I bar
I fit I shoot I find I loot
I drown I crawl I creep I bawl
I fly I run I hide I shun
I grope I stand I sleep I damn
I do I don’t I will I won’t
I can I know I fight I show
I jump I sigh I swear I lie
I scare I pray I sin I slay
I dream I drive I work I strive
I love I fake I watch I make

I am on my way to nowhere, now-here, belong here, there, everywhere, hate comes easy, as easy as hurt…thus hate, can’t begin to describe or explain how I feel, how I pain, believe them when they say but they lie, they…they are insensitive …they leave, they judge if they stay…
…They steal, they fight, they rule, they hide
They pretend, they care, they befriend, they dare!
They drive insanity higher and higher till I give up give in
I never lose I’ve lost so much
I cared for with love and such
I think I’ll go where I’m with me
Be alone, lonely as can be
Give up this life for a higher one
Believe when I say I have had it all, all, all of all, every bit of all, every single piece…
Peace? No peace...only chaos, only mystery, only darkness, only hurt, only anguish, only betrayal, only denial, only me, only sin, only, alone, lonely and if not, then I’m in it all, only death- the end, the beginning of the end…I’ve come to terms with life, the dark bitch, she laughs a, she mocks at my despair but I will not let her, will have the final word…
…I’m lost…

…Worst moments not when I fall but his pain that doesn’t show can only feel drives to insanity sleepless nights paranoia silent screams wake up in delusional darkness ripping apart agony beyond belief cold sweat racing the pulse out of time then another day of storms and illusions and feelings and calm chaos churning insides and facades yet knowing is believing he can do with what is given but insists on giving unconditionally making self truly too good for the world to be true…then loneliness haunts him in a crowd craving, creating, consuming. Never needed, wanted nor she had too busy listening, observing, watching closely every move intensely as love makes it happen not her, she, too tired wants to leave them all behind to prefer selfishness, pretense, only a way to cover up reality and that highest truth she knows but doesn’t show like him…but together they know, it shows in ‘them’ not her or him but them. Too many claims to know them…but nobody can as they put up a great performance just enough to please them- those others, yet somehow content to be is what makes her alive and him happy, she is cold, he’s just fine…they are serene together and they dream of a place just as magical and mystical as they are with one soul, heart and life waiting for them…

randomness!

When I dream the night winter dances as the season that ripe summer morning life was me as cold and hard but beneath my skin is wild light between a cloudy winter in every wish I make music to shine above always and blood will ferment with rain then no sound only thick blue snow soft like good love from you full of happy taste which would listen to you say we were feeling it all…never wait too long, soon they leave who ask why her is bad…walk through water or air but come clean…. this must bloom though, some grow only by sleep have wine too off naked earth drive her cycle let him eat live know and want more out of heavy frost speak about how she gives almost an idea so colored could kiss hot sun, green seed, red spring…smell flower….if house window can crack up do plant his favorite vine out use after fall has care lying an eye did see for street be hot than dry…

psychogroupiecocainecrazy

The behavior we stick to or adopt is obviously so, keeping in our subconscious mind, the consequences of the same. Thus there exists a reason, known or unknown behind our behavioral pattern. When we realize its consequences completely, only then do we try to change it. This change could be to obtain other consequences that we desire. More like fulfilling our intentions and motives. It is entirely relative as to whether the realization dawns upon one at a particular time. An adult may not necessarily realize it yet a child might. So there isn’t a particular age or criterion as such, as to when a person realizes the ‘reason’. Reason on the other hand is subjective and my 6 could be your 9. Also, reasoning only brings out probabilities, not a confirmed answer. It might also lead you into believing that that which does not exist- nothing! Yet nothing holds just as much importance as everything making it only relative. When we form relationships in a worldly manner, we are not sure as to why, when, where or with whom we do so. It’s just a part of all that is happening. Yet, once we have established the fact that there exists now what we call a relationship, we are driven in everyway to ‘keep it’. But that is exactly NOT what we are to do. ‘Keeping’ relationships is not the idea. It’s growing together to become a part of the ‘other’. No more may it be called the other then. It is you, a part of your growth. It is a process that may be eternal, depending upon the nature of the growth you now share. There is no Right or Wrong, unless you want there to be. To want is another issue, but to go by your instincts is surely helpful. What feels, who feels, feels for all. And this feeling, to me, is far superior to the thoughts that engulf the mind.

Thinking is, in other words, reasoning. Not necessarily though, but it helps reasoning; while feeling is directly related to the action which is the only way to go. You feel? Don’t let it get to your mind, just feel: good, bad, right, wrong- is what the heart doesn’t know. It is what the mind understands. The heart only feels- happy, joyful, sad, ecstatic, free…

…don’t let your heart overpower your head. Don’t try to control anything. Let things be, go with the flow knowing you’re giving it all you have or are at least willing to. Consequences are not ours to worry about. Actions speak. Words are mere efforts to be precise. Yet it’s surprising how certain actions can completely overweigh words. There is no reason to compete. There is no reason.

It’s not easy, nothing is. That is no excuse for feeling burdened at all times. There is no excuse, no reason. It’s not easy to be. Merely be. And if you are, it’s an offence. And you will be humiliated, you will be punished, you will be prosecuted. Only because you are. The irony of it all is that we human beings have forgotten how to be human. Sad but true. And there’s only one thing left to do; play the ‘blame game’. Set off a chain reaction. Then sit back and watch as we all fall down. Sounds like a fun game till you fall. Then it’s not fun anymore. Then you take the game to a whole new level. You get jaded, it leaves a bitter taste in your mouth, and now all you want to do is take a swing at someone. The world is suddenly wicked, the people are strange and you are alone. Singled out among all the planets, stars, in the entire universe. You are chosen. And as you try to hide behind your shadow, your eyes bulging with tears, can’t help but gaze endlessly at your curling toes, emotions of angst, fear, humiliation, feelings of being exposed in an ugly light, a light you never knew existed. And you dare not try and gaze above the ground beneath you feet! For this light might just consume you, causing such anguish that you might not even understand what hit you. But somewhere in you burns a small but very lively flame. And the flame is suffocating and urging you to look up. Just one glance. It brings with it a knowing of what lies beyond this light, which is now staring at your naked body. The light’s got you! And you know the only way out is to look into the light, reach its source. But what about the fears that have now engulfed your little dark mind, not letting your little flame out? You stand there, feeling small, insignificant, not listening to the flame, giving in to the light. And the light is only getting brighter, yet bringing out all the darkness in you. And you feel like the ground must open up and swallow you now before the flame changes your mind. But the flame doesn’t seem to glow anywhere in your mind. Your mind is just a dark place, for hiding, and crying. It doesn’t allow anyone to enter; not even the flame. So where is this flame glowing? Is it in your soul, your spirit, and your heart? Your confusion is growing like a vine, in and out, like your breathing. It’s slowly taking over all that you believe yourself to be, who you are. But you are being too many things at a time. Some of them you don’t even know of. You’ve never felt so much in a moment, this moment seems eternal, and it seems to know exactly who you are. Is it playing games with you? You know, mind games? We are a playful lot, aren’t we? Always playing some game or the other, in our minds. But the flame is so small; it doesn’t understand all these games. It just knows how to glow and give the little warmth is has to you, unconditionally. This is the first time you have been asked for something by the flame and you can’t even do that. But you need not worry. The flame is not holding a grudge. It understands. It maybe small, but it sure knows you best as your heart is its abode. And it knows you need time, space and all these concepts in your mind that are confusing you. You seem to have prepared yourself for the worst but this was unexpected. Maybe because you expected, all your life. You thought, planned and inferred probabilities, timed your every move, reacted to every situation. But this? Never did you think in your sane intellect that this was coming your way. And now that you are caught off guard, and how, you are feeling almost guilty, almost betrayed, unwanted. And you hate these feelings but you just can’t seem to stop yourself from feeling like this. And while you struggle to fight yourself out of this sticky state, somewhere you know this is brought on because of you and you owe this to yourself. This moment had to manifest itself while you kept yourself hanging by the last thread. Now while your entire life flashes in your mind and as you relive all those moments in your life that made you the man you are, the light shines brighter and the flame glows stronger than ever before.

no touch...

I bare skin. I bare spirit. I bare my soul. But not to you. You are me. And you don’t look at me, only see, into me, into my soul. This body is my temple. And I must take care of it, so I’m told. But it’s not easy. Nothing is. I am nothing. Does that make me easy? And if I am, then I make. I create. From my nothingness, a whole new universe of mysteries and magic and beauty and love. Wouldn’t you just love to see all of this? But you do see. Not all of these things, but beyond. Like the horizon, that appears closer than it is. And you see beyond it. You see where that sun really goes when we think it’s setting. Me, I’m a mere mortal, made of glass, transparent to the bone. Living with my fears from dawn to dusk, every moment, in this fragile body, yes, the temple of my soul. My temple. And you worship me, my soul, my temple. It must seem really beautiful to you. It must make you ecstatic to merely touch it. To me, it’s almost not there. Lost in my nothingness. But you are always there to remind me, every time I try to walk away from my temple, that you are my true devotee. You’d wait at my gates forever just to have one more glance at the beauty I hold, the love I bring into your heart, your temple. Yes, you have a temple too. And it leaves me breathless. It’s divine. Purity in its highest form.

When the night turns to day, there’s very little left behind to go through the day. With all you have, every little piece, you seem to be content. Only seem to be. But you know best what you have. So what do you have? And is that what is really giving you the joy you proclaim of having? Excuse the invasion. But I need to know. Okay. Maybe I don’t NEED to know. Maybe I already know. Does that leave you baffled? Am I not to know? The little darkness in that corner of your restricted mind, where only dark shadows dance and come back to haunt you the moment you’re left alone. And you light that cigarette only to confuse yourself with the smoke rings and those shadows. But they only laugh louder. They only mock your foolishness and your insecurities. You say you are fine, you have been blessed with this life you live and all its glory. I say that’s what you think. Do you really feel that way? And please don’t lie, not to yourself. I know not about virtues and vices, but I do know that lying to yourself won’t help you. Not that you need help. But you’ve got to know for yourself. I can’t do this for you. I’d love to, but I can’t. And I’m not sorry. Are you?

roundabout!

To be complete is one thing. To be able to share the completeness with another is a different story altogether. Wiping the tears of the weepy-eyed demons is what you and I are made to do. And it is exhausting. But isn’t it something given to us? It’s always easier to take than give. But when we take something, we don’t own it. It is given to us for a purpose. What we do with it is our own choice. And we are given such a variety of choices and options. To choose between them is a task only a few can do appropriately, by making sound decisions. And these tasks are to betaken up every moment, no matter what. Whether you like it or don’t. You have been selected amongst the innumerable entities to do this. And you must!